How NOT to Teach a Non-Gamer Pt.1 - Guitar Hero

Today I’ve turned one side of my room into a gaming dojo. I’m going to attempt to teach my girlfriend how to play Guitar Hero. She has dyslexia which is going to make the task even harder. Her hand to eye co-ordination is rusty and she’s never played this type of game before.

I’m an optimist…

I don’t know it yet, but I’m in for one hell of a day!

I start by showing her how to grip the guitar controller before even turning the console on. I explain how the strum bar works and the easy way of playing the notes. I don’t even bother with the whammy bar or advanced techniques yet. I’m sticking to the basics for now.

One hour later.

Okay so I’ve made some progress teaching her how to play the first 3 notes, green, red and yellow. The only problem is that she is using the lefty flip which means instead of playing the notes with her left hand and strumming with her right, she is doing the opposite. This also means that the buttons have been mirrored as well. I am not familiar with this layout so it makes it harder for me to teach her.

I pick an easy song for her in the practice mode and select the slowest speed. I tell her to only focus on 2 colours at a time before attempting to play all 3. Her problem is her timing. She’s not too slow, she’s too fast. She keeps playing the notes before she is supposed to. I try to explain to her that she needs to listen to the music and ‘feel’ the beat. This would help her with the timing and get her to nail those notes on time.

She doesn’t listen.

She attempts all 3 notes and keeps missing them. Now I’m not a patient person at the best of times so this ordeal is frustrating me to the point that I just want to turn the console off. I promised myself that I wouldn’t lose my cool. Not this time. I had already made that mistake with Little Big Planet but that’s another story for another time. She keeps looking at her fingers and again missing the notes. She is butchering the song. I start chewing my inner lip to restrain myself from saying something stupid. I make a point that she is only using 3 notes/colours, so how can she keep forgetting which finger goes with which colour?

I start to sound very condescending and patronising which isn’t helping things. It’s easy to forget that non-gamers don’t think the way gamers do. They’re not used to the timing or ‘feel’ of a particular game. She now tells me to leave her and let her do it her way. I explain that her way isn’t working out well but she insists. She is very stubborn. I wave a dismissive hand and end up walking out the room with my book and leave her to it.

3 hours later…

I can actually hear music, good music. I step into the room to find her playing perfectly to Survivor’s Eye of the Tiger. She is nailing those notes. I am in total shock. She finishes the song and gets 98% and a note streak of 102 and looks at me with a smug look on her face.

WOW!

I turn on the 2nd guitar controller and select to play bass for the next song. I turn the amp volume and bass right up. She chooses to play Mr Brightside by The Killers. We both stand up and start rocking out.

By the end of the song I wonder to myself how much of this is down to me and how much of it is her. It doesn’t really matter. This is another trial that we have both overcome individually and as a couple. I now look forward to playing Guitar Hero with her more often.

Flowing Motion

Ever wondered what it would feel like to control the wind? In thatgamecompany's latest PS3 title Flower, you do exactly that. You control one of nature’s most powerful forces but in a majestic and constructive way.

You are a zephyr.

Utilizing the Sixaxis to its fullest potential, you start by controlling a single petal. All the buttons will do the same thing, blow your petal faster. You go from one flower to another collecting more petals until you end up with what looks like a long multi colored flower petal dragon.

Technically this can be seen as a third person point of view as the game uses the camera angles very cleverly and always focuses on one particular petal so you don’t lose your way.

The control is extraordinary and breathtaking.

Using the Sixaxis has never been so easy and responsive. All developers should take a leaf out of thatgamecompany's book before making a game that utilizes the use of the Sixaxis. The freedom of the 360° movement allows you to guide your petals effortlessly whilst being able to see your surroundings. You can negotiate around all of the obstacles in the game with relative ease and grace.

Flower has a very distinct and solid art direction as well as a responsive control system which collaborate to make this game a smooth and relaxing experience.

Clean, Play, Eat

It’s Saturday which means it’s my gaming day. I wake up to a messy gloomy room. Me and my girlfriend’s clothes are scattered all over the room from the night before. There’s two empty glasses of wine on my extremely large desk and an empty wine bottle. There are traces of melted wax from last night’s candles. I think I can even see some of the chocolate we ate off each other.

In essence, my desk is a mess, yet it’s supposed to be the central hub for all my digital media. I keep my PC, PS3, Xbox 360, Sony Amplifier and Ipod docking station on my desk as well as my Sony Bravia 40” LCD TV. This is supposed to be my shrine. I have been neglecting the one place where I can sit down and connect to the Internet, watch a film, write a blog or play a game.

I’m a very meticulous person and quiet surprised with myself for letting things get this bad. My girlfriend has already left for work so I get up and start cleaning up our room. I clear all the clothes and remove anything that doesn’t belong on my desk. I get the desk wipes out and polish it clean after dusting it. I vacuum the room and open the windows to air it. Once the room is spotless and my desk is gleaming, I can finally relax.

The thing is, I don’t really feel relaxed if my room is a mess. I find it hard to do anything, whether it’s playing a game, watching a film or doing my homework. My room needs to be clean and my desk organised for me to feel at ease.

Now I can sit down for a gaming session. My Xbox 360 sits to the left of my TV and the PS3 to the right. Beneath my desk I keep my Xbox and PS2. Between all of my consoles I have around 150 games.

What do I play?

It’s still morning time so I’m in the mood for a light, relaxing game. I put on Guitar Hero World Tour on the Xbox 360 and play that for a few hours. No one is home so I turn the 5.1 Dolby Surround Sound right up. The bass is making my insides shake. This is great!

After my fingers and my ear drums get sore I stop playing and go downstairs to the kitchen for some food. It’s just past noon so I make myself a nice and healthy light lunch. I prepare a delicious chicken pasta with plenty of vegetables and a rich tomato sauce. It takes me no more than 20 minutes to make. After enjoying my meal, my carbohydrate levels are up again and I’m ready for some more gaming.

The weather outside has got cloudy and dark so I play a game that reflects this. My choices are usually influenced by my environment. On dark, rainy days I like to play cosy games or watch cosy films. I decide to play Shadow of The Colossus, one of my favourite games of all time. The isolation, soundtrack and dark tones are perfect for a day like this. I play that for around 3 hours then decide to eat some more.

It’s around 15:30 so I make myself a cheese and salad sandwich and go back to my gaming. This time I put on Dark Sector on the Xbox 360 and play that for a few hours. I’m trying to play 3 games that I haven’t finished yet. Dark Sector, Tomb Raider: Underworld and the new Prince of Persia. Once these games have been completed I can focus my attention on other games. I usually prioritise what games I play.

Once I finish a game, I move to the next one. When my games have been completed, I go back and play them again, this time I try to achieve things I didn’t the first play through. These days the developers add more depth to games as well as bonuses which makes the games more replayable and enjoyable. They also include downloadable content which adds longevity to a game such as new levels or costumes.

It’s around 18:00 now so I stop playing and go downstairs to cook for me and my girlfriend for when she gets back. I decide to cook a nice Thai dish. If I have time in between the cooking, I think I will play some Rez on the Xbox 360.

Once my girlfriend gets home and we have finished eating I get my 2^nd PS3 controller out and we play some Little Big Planet so that she can unwind and relax. It’s one of the fewest games that she likes to play. I purposely bought that game so that we can play it together. She really enjoys it and is getting better at controlling her character. After a couple of hours of playing LBP we watch a film and then head off to bed. I get the DS and we play an hour of Professor Layton and the Curious Village. She is great at the puzzles and makes me look like an idiot. I’m only good at the visual puzzles whereas she is great with numbers and shapes.

It’s near 01:00am and we are tired and get ready to sleep. Once the lights are out I can’t help but feel that I’ve had a nice productive gaming day. It’s Sunday tomorrow; I think about what I’ll be playing then.

Before I fall asleep I put my Ipod headphones on and listen to the soundtrack for Shadow of the Colossus: Roar of the Earth and drift away to that magical land…

The Final Kill

Its 0130am and my girlfriend is sleeping across the other side of the room. I’ve plugged my Technics headphones into the amplifier, copied Call of Duty 4 onto my Xbox 360 hard drive to prevent the disc from spinning and making a loud humming noise and turned the contrast on my TV down to prevent the light from flickering which would have inevitably woken her up.

I MUST not wake her up.

All of the precautions have been taken and I’m ready for some fragging.

I’m playing as quietly as possible. The game randomly picks the container level. 16 players in total, 8vs8. I’m playing as one of the Russian terrorists. I’ve picked the Scorpion SMG with steady aim, 3 grenades and the eavesdrop capability which lets you listen to enemy chatter. It’s a small and intimate level where you die at least every 10 seconds if you’re lucky. The level is square shaped with only 3 posts to capture and a wire fence running around it. It has 4 big shipping containers in the middle of the level which creates a + shape path with a post in the middle of it.

As soon as the game begins, I throw all 3 grenades in random directions and get 2 kills without firing a single shot. As soon as I turn a corner I eat a bullet. This level is frantic and it’s every man for himself. The trick to this level is to keep moving and to watch your every angle. I respawn and frantically throw all 3 grenades again in all directions, 3 deaths, works every time. A 3 kill streak means I get to use radar for 30 seconds which shows all of the enemies on screen as big red dots.

I have to take advantage of this.

I don’t bother trying to catch any of the posts; instead I wait in one of the containers on the far end of the level that acts like a tunnel. You can run right through it which a lot of people do, but most players ignore one very important fact. At either end, you get a panoramic view of the level and can see so much happening if you pay attention.

I decide to stay on the open ended left side of this container and pick off the targets that I can see on my radar coming towards me. I shoot 2 dead in their tracks. A 5 kill streak means I can call in an air strike. With my radar still active I pick the most populated area with red dots and send the flyboys in. I turn and run to the right side of the container and see another 3 enemies. I empty an entire magazine and take them out in a hailstorm of bullets. Now I’ve exceeded a 7 kill streak which means I can call in a chopper. Now the real fun begins. Before that comes though, the air strike deals 7 more deaths from above to my enemies.

I keep a close eye on the left and right flank of this container. I can see that the enemy is trying to converge on my position. I reload quickly and take a few out on the right side near one of the posts. They’ll be back. I run to the other end of the container and come face to face with an opponent. Too close to use a gun. I’m the fastest to draw a knife. One fatal stab the chest later and he’s gone. He’ll also be back for revenge.

The grim reaper of the skies arrives.

All eyes are on the death dealer. The beautiful thing about the chopper is that it hovers above and rains down a storm of bullets to all of my enemies. The ones that are too busy trying to shoot it down get taken down by either me or my team mates. I stand my ground whilst my team mates capture the posts. Within a minute the chopper takes down 30 enemies whilst at the same time I’m taking out 4 to 5 at a time. Every single person I have killed is heading straight for the containers for some revenge, but not today. Thanks to the steady aim and eavesdrop ‘perks’ I can hear what the enemy is saying and without having to aim too accurately I simply point and shoot. They don’t realise that I can hear them so I’m pre-empting all of their attacks. 3 are coming from the left side but I’m already there and pick them off. 1 is coming from the right but I go out of the container from the left and as soon as he goes in, I head right behind him where my knife meets his back.

At this point I get a little too cocky and wonder out of the containers to hunt down anyone I can find. Within minutes I get fragged by a stray grenade. No matter though. I just scored a 78 kill streak before that death. As soon as I respawn I throw 2 grenades and cook the last one. No kills, so I run to the nearest enemy with the cooked grenade and blow the both of us up.

Martyrdom never tasted so good.

Before the game ends I manage to capture a post and rack up some extra points. We win. I rank first place on our team. I’m feeling euphoric. My adrenaline is pumping through my veins. I’m ecstatic. In the heat of the moment I scream out loud, “Come on you slags!”

Before I realise what I just did, I see my girlfriend get out of bed and walk toward me in the vein of one of George A. Romero’s creations. She comes right up to me with her bloodshot eyes and gives me the look of death. She turns her attention to my Xbox 360. She raises her hand and with her index finger turns off the console and heads back to bed without uttering a single word. I’m going to be sleeping on the floor tonight.

She gets the pleasure of the final kill.

As I rest in the dark, the adrenaline starts to wear off and I begin to recall every single frag. A large smile forms on my face as I exhale a very satisfying sigh. I’m delighted. I can sleep easy tonight as I bask in the glory of my victory.

What a triumph. What a sweet conquest. Winning never felt so good.

The Thousand Pieces of Humiliation

I love my brother. I’ve always looked out for him. We never argue or fight. We were both bought up well by my parents and were taught to respect and protect each other. However, when the two of us sit side by side and play Winning Eleven (Japanese version of Pro Evolution Soccer) on the PS2, a bitter rivalry creeps in between us. We both become monsters hungry for victory. We become the worst of enemies. We taunt each other. We humiliate the other. We only want to win in style.

In the end I always emerge the victor.

I became used to winning until one eventful day where my brother taught me a very important lesson. Nothing lasts forever, especially a winning streak.

Almost a month after my disgraceful defeat, I’m yet again reminded of that moment I would rather soon forget. I take another razor sharp multicoloured fragment out of my foot.

I guess its Karma.

Since that day, I’ve found hundreds of splinters. Sometimes it feels like they are hunting me or more specifically, my feet. Every time I walk around my room, my feet seem to stumble on another plastic landmine. Like a bad case of dandruff, no matter how much I clean, they always reappear.

They keep tormenting me until I can find closure. I need admit to myself that I’m no longer the best. My throne has been taken and there’s nothing I can do about it. I have to accept the painful truth that I am a sore loser. I lost dishonourably. If I was a Samurai, I would have committed hara-kiri.

I hate losing.

A month ago we decided to play a 10 minute match on Winning Eleven. I pick my masterleague team Roma and my brother picks his, Lazio. This is a classic Italian derby. The masterleague teams are customizable and start with fake generic players. You manage the team by buying and selling players until you end up with your dream team. We play different tactics and use different formations. I use the classic 4-4-2 where as my brother plays a 5-3-2 formation. We can each have 2 classic players so I buy Diego Maradona and Marco Van Basten. My brother buys Pele and Johan Cruyff.

This should be an interesting match.

We pick a neutral stadium, a neutral crowd who will cheer intermittently for both sides and we pick the weather conditions. We both agree on a dry sunny afternoon. I’m shooting from left to right in the first half.

After the formal national anthem singing and hand shaking, the whistle blows and the match begins as my two strikers Gabrielle Batistuta and Marco Van Basten kick off.

The two Japanese announcers have an over exaggerated and excited demeanour when commentating which makes me and my brother laugh every time they speak. After the first few near misses the laughs are replaced by pure concentration. As soon as I kicked off I knew this wasn’t going to be my game. I get 4 yellow cards and hit the post and cross bar 6 times in the first half. Every foul my brother commits doesn’t even register as a foul.

The game is on his side today.

I score 3 goals in the space of 4 minutes. I’m gloating. Every time I’m in his 6-yard box I keep saying “shambles”. This really pisses him off. It works perfectly and unsettles him. Little do I know that these are the only goals I’ll be scoring. The first half ends 3-0 to me but at the cost of my striker getting a red card.

Now I’m down to 10 men.

During the break neither of us makes any changes. I simply switch my team’s tactics to counter attack. The second half begins and I’m shooting from right to left, my favourite side. This makes no difference as within a minute my brother’s striker Pele dribbles my entire defence and scores a 20 yard screamer. This goal was glitched. I swear the ball just goes through my keepers hands. I instigated the taunting, unaware of how much of it I’m about to receive. My brother opens his taunting account by uttering a word he made up that pisses me off more than anything “skilachi”.

3-1

I try to retaliate to no avail. He gains possession of the ball and passes it around so fluidly. He’s been practising at night. Little basted! He scores again with Pele. Just walks through my defence and picks his spot and tucks it in.

3-2

As soon as I kick off I try to dribble his midfield to get near his 6-yard box to unleash a Van Basten special but I get fouled and the referee doesn’t blow his whistle. The play continues with the ball in my brother’s possession. He runs down the right wing and swings in a cross where the ball meets Cruyff’s head and into the back of my net, “Skilachi”, I cringe in anger.

3-3

I can’t believe what’s happening. He’s picking my team apart. I’m beginning to feel really hot under the collar. I kick off again and lose the ball within seconds. I foul his player and get a 2^nd yellow card subsequently followed by a red.

Now I’m down to 9 men.

He takes a long free kick right into my box. The ball falls to his midfielder Zidane who I accidentally foul. He’s awarded a penalty and I’m given another red card. I just lost my best defender, Roberto Carlos.

Now I’m down to 8 men.

He takes the penalty and easily slots it away. “Skilachi”. He keeps replaying the goal in slow motion and turning the camera a la Matrix.

3-4

Before I kick off, I pause the game and enter the menu where I substitute my attackers for defenders. I’m forced to change my formation and focus heavily on defending to limit the damage I’m taking. Once the game begins I take the ball and try to bide my time. I get slide tackled but no foul or card as usual and the game continues. One goal follows after another.

3-5

3-6

3-7

3-8

I have 4 defenders in my 6 yard box and only 3 midfielders. I barely keep the ball in my possession. I CANNOT believe this is happening. I’m in denial. No way is he beating me like this. I can hear him sniggering next to me. I finally get a break and the counter attack tactic works. I run forward with the ball and it’s just my midfielder and his keeper. I take the ball past his keeper and tap the ball where instead of going in the back of the net, it hits his side post and rolls straight to his keeper’s hands. Unbelievable! He boots the ball right out where it inexorably ends up in the back of my net.

3-9

This time he doesn’t say a word. I can still hear him sniggering but he now knows how pissed off I am. I just loose all focus on the game and try to foul any of his players within range. If I can get another red card and go down to 7 men the game will be stopped and I won’t suffer such a degrading defeat. He passes the ball through what’s left of my team and this time lobs my keeper. It’s a beautiful goal but I won’t tell him that.

3-10

I kick off for the tenth time and this time I run around in circles trying to keep the ball. That fails. He does a long pass into the box again where this time, his defender, Japp Stam, heads the ball into the goal. He tells me that shouldn’t have been a goal because it was offside. Condescending little shit. Naturally the offside wasn’t given.

3-11

I kick off and aimlessly kick the ball in any direction. The best goal is yet to come. He passes the ball down the left wing and runs down it with his midfielder. The ball is crossed into my box where Pele of all players performs a beautiful overhead kick and nearly tears the net out. For him that is the icing on the cake. For me that is the last nail in the coffin.

3-12

He jumps off the sofa in jubilation. My indignation gets the better of me. I throw my controller to the floor and pounce on the console and press the eject button. The tray opens and I take the shiny rainbow coloured disc out of the tray and with all my anger, shame and frustration snap it in my hand. The disc breaks into a thousand pieces of multicoloured light and scatters all over the room. Not only do I cut myself on the sharp shards of plastic but I just broke a £50 imported game. I strut out of the room and can’t look into my brother’s eyes because of the shame and the indignity, not to mention that I just broke one of my favourite games.

As always we hug afterwards and shake hands, no hard feelings between us after the game. He is my brother after all and despite losing to him so badly, I’m glad that it was him and not a stranger. We talk and joke about it to this day and as I find the last remaining shattered pieces of Winning Eleven, I finally find closure and a simple truth, it’s only a game, so just enjoy it!